Tuesday, 15 September 2009
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Defeated
From: Happy Aspies
“I feel like such a failure,” Wolfie said to me this afternoon, crying giant tears following a meltdown after school. It is in these moments that I feel like I have failed him. What am I doing sending him to school each day when mostly, it makes him feel like this? Really, what am I doing?This thought goes through my head more often than I’d like. I want so badly to take him out of school and home school him, but would that be better? Could I provide the learning environment that he needs? Is it fair to have Hammy in a school and Wolfie at home? Could I handle having them both at home all the time? Would I be stunting their social growth?
The trouble with all these questions is that it depends on who you ask. There is no right answer. It isn’t black and white. There is so much grey. I am not comfortable in the grey. When I really examine how I feel I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I will regret this public school decision. It comes to the fore front of my mind like someone punching me in the face when I hear my 7 year old son tell me he feels like a failure.
I want to celebrate the good things about my children. I want to praise them for and give them opportunities to utilize their strengths. I am tired of hearing that everyone is special and that in order to be fair, blah, blah, blah. Our public schools are set up for the most common denominator. They aren’t set up for the uncommon. Individual strengths are traded in for collaborative group strength. What if your strength is one that doesn’t mesh well with the group? What if the group can use the strength, but you aren’t comfortable with the collaboration? Is it still valuable? The answer lies in the individual teacher and how he or she chooses to run the classroom.
This is precisely the problem with school. It is one transition after another and very little consistency. One teacher might offer many chances and another only gives one. One teacher may celebrate the children doing the right thing, and another places the focus on what you’ve done wrong. To a typical child this is confusing. To my aspie child it is maddening, more than frustrating.
He participates in the gifted program at his school and at the end of each day there is a sheet of paper to be sent home outlining the lesson and activity for that day. At the bottom of the page is an area for the children to rate how well they participated, listened, used their time, cooperated, and were committed to the task. The choices are 1, needs improvement, or 2, meets expectations. He gave himself 1 1/2 most of the time and a 1 3/4 for cooperation. The teacher gave him all 1’s. This is why he was so upset. He thought he had tried really hard, but saw from his scores for the day that it wasn’t enough. He said he felt like it was never enough. He said he felt like quitting.
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About the Author
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- From: happyaspies
- About Me: I don’t have asperger’s syndrome, but I am married to a man who does and we have two wonderful little boys. Our oldest son, Wolfie, is seven and has asperger’s syndrome. Our youngest son, Hammy, is five and has some spectrum tendencies. Read more about us at http://happyaspies.wordpress.com
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Comments (13)
These teachers have got to get their act together. First of all they need to be consistent for all the children,never mind your aspie. Second, if they expect certain behaviors they need to be outlned and detailed for all children, not just your aspie, but especially your aspie. Just because a child can do algebra in elementary does not mean they can assimilate information like a child five to ten years older. These constant daily reports is also disgusting. Who came up with that stupidity. Everyone is entitled to a bad day and a child does not need to be reminded that they have issues constantly. Someone needs to give this teacher a lesson in how to be a teacher and how to engender a desire to learn in children. Someone should give her a daily report. Personally I would give the moron negative numbers. I would try to talk to her about your son's aspergers, but it doesn't soud like she is intelligent enough to comprehend. Worse come to worse, put him in a regular ed class. Tell him the teacher is an idiot and not smart enough to teach an aspie. His self-esteem is what is paramount. Then make sure that the reg ed teacher gets him and if necessary go into warrior mode. It works.
Good luck. Time to kick some teacher butt.
@aspergers2mom - I really do think that all of his teachers do the best they can for him on any given day. Being a teacher has got to be hard. I think it is a flaw in the system to expect that teachers can be sensitive to different learning syles, strengths, disabilites, etc. and providing what each child needs in order to be successful when class sizes are so large. For some children, participating in a daily reflection can be motivating. I have no doubt that these are her intentions. Having said that, it is clearly not working for my little guy. It is having the opposite effect.
The larger issue for me is smart or not, teachers cannot be effective with kids like mine when they don't have the time to do it. It takes thinking outside the box, creativity, flexibility, and a general relaxed attitude. This is why I grapple with sending him to school everyday. I know it isn't the place where he can be the MOST successful. That sucks. Plain and simple, it is no good. There need to be more private choices that are quality. More schools that aren't afraid to specialize and cater to the uncommon. That is my dream and I hope to make it a reality. This is warrior mode for me. :) Thanks for your comment!
That's the problem with anything systematic and/or standardized. Good luck.
@aspiemamma - Didn't really mean to offend. We all approach helping our children in our own ways. Having been there myself, your story just made me upset for him and for you. It was just my obviously awkward way of trying to lend support. HUGS!
Good for you in using your energy to possibly create an envirnment where children like Wolfie and so many others like him can thrive and feel successful. Needs are not always met unless there is a force with a goal in front of it. You are not defeated :)
@aspergers2mom - No offense taken. Believe me, my first instinct is to get all Mama Bear about it, but I try to get that out of my system before I write and before I actually take action. I appreaciate your understanding of my situation and your support. A little Mama Bear out of empathy for my situation from someone else feels kinda good sometimes. :)
@P1AutismMom - Thanks. Not sure I will be successful on creating that environment, but I sure am trying. Today, I don't feel defeated.
If he's in the gifted program, the expectations are naturally going to be higher, and the teacher is going to compare him on how he should behave compared to what she expects and not how good he is behaving because he has it. It's definitely a major flaw in the public school system, and I've found that even when I assisted in the special needs classes, the children there weren't necessarily handled according to their diagnosed problems.
This is a problem with public school.. it is set up to educated the as many children as possible, therefore geared towards the "average child." This does leave out a huge variety of non-average children such as gifted, below average, special needs, etc. Some teachers do the best they can with the available (usually sparse) resources and some teachers are burned out, frustrated, tired of hitting themselves against the glass, etc, and some teachers never cared to begin with. Having gone through public school, I would never send my own child to public school, but I understand that private school is not affordable for a lot of parents. While I'm not a personal fan of home schooling, I do know some people get fabulous results. If you are worried about social development, there are home school networks in most areas that allow home schooled children to get together for play/learning activities. Another option, although it may not be an option for you, is sports, scouting, church, etc, there are tons of ways to have your child interact with others without attending school with them.
My mother decided to home school my Aspie brother. The school wasn't working with him at all. Even suspended him, telling my mother that until he was medicine he couldn't come back. My mom was livid and of course he went back, unmedicated, but that was the beginning of the end. As far as socializing, I don't know about your Aspie, but my brother isn't all that social by nature. Despite numerous classes, attending school, Aspie groups, home school socials, etc. he still struggles to hold down a conversation. But he has a lot of dreams and aspirations. Despite trouble making friends, he is confident, independent, and self-assured. Recently he told me he wants to get his Doctorate in history so he can talk all day to people about his favorite subject and be assured a tenure track job so people can't fire him if he is weird sometimes.
I think what kids like my brother need is positive reinforcement. It doesn't sound like your son is getting that from school. It is a tough decision. I'm sure that if you did decide to home school him there are groups and opportunities for socialization. Sure they aren't built in like school, but the real question is what is more important? And he can always go back to school if things don't work out. Or vice versa.
@XbabyK@xanga - Agreed. If there were a private option in my neck of the woods I would pay whatever the cost. I too, am uncertain of home school which is why the many questions surrounding this issue haunt me. I feel somewhat paralized by the choice and so, find myself just going along with the current situation. Don't get me wrong, I advocate and advocate for him and he has a fantastic group of teachers who, unfortunately, are limited by the system.
@SWAurora@xanga - Thanks for sharing your story. I am glad that home schooling worked for your brother so well. My guy is very outgoing and social, he's just unorthodox about it. He thrives on positive reinforcement and his classroom teacher and special ed teacher work like dogs to make school a positive experience for him. I only wish the student teacher ratio were smaller - he would do so well with more individual attention and fewer distractions.
It's just a number. It's up to him whether he wants to feel better or improve upon someone else's expectations. Perhaps this is why I advocate autodidacticism/unschooling.
Does the teacher know about his condition?
If you are considering homeschooling, I know a few families with autistic kids who do really well with it and their kids for the most part, seem very happy.
Here is something I've learned out my being homeschooled for twelve years- if you're worried about your kids being exposed to enough tough stuff of the world, don't worry, their chance will come eventually, whether you send them to school or not.
When they grow up, it doesn't really matter how many bad words they know...
What's more important is that they are equipped to handle conflict.
Whatever you decide to do, know that you are not failing as a mom. If you do your best, then that's all you can do.
Homeschooling will not shelter your kid. Only you can do that.
Deciding to homeschool, will give you more control over situations... so your kid doesn't have to get a 1 everyday... so you can teach him with the rewarding manner that he needs, so he doesn't have to deal with bullies everyday....
If he needs socializing, there are plenty of homeschool group activities you can get him involved in. Once again, you have control over it... he could go to a class one day a week if that's what yall want to do. Or you guys could wind up doing something every day. It's all entirely up to you.
Basically, the best part about this for you, is that you can have more control as a parent. Which is not a bad thing. He's a seven year old kid, and he's not always going to know what's best for him.
As a homeschooler I've had some of my own painful experiences and I've been made fun of, and like they say- whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but it's still ok if you think he needs some slack, or if you think school is too painful for him, letting it go will not be a bad decision!
And last, I have to say- if you decide to keep him in school, for whatever reason- maybe you feel like that's where he needs to be, to better himself, or maybe you just don't feel capable of being a homeschool mom at the moment, whatever it is- I understand.
Like I said, you do your best and that's all anyone can ask of you.
Do your best and love your son.