All my twitter friends know that my oldest son started his sophmore year of college yesterday. They know about my angst and worries that everything should go well. The issue we had with finding a really good aide for him was a subject of many a blog. Happily we found a wonderful person from the school of education who has a child on the spectrum herself. She came ready and raring to go. My son not so much. But he had a great day. Of course, for some reason I became the paragon of "evil meddling mom" again. I hadn't even spoken to him all day. I did not text, nor call nor call the aide. Have no idea where that came from but if you can't be cranky at your mother who can you be cranky with. So we got past it and he started to organize his studies. He told hubby that he is just really anxious on how to organzie everything. Luckily hubby also said that he couldn't take it out on me. So he grudgingly only grunted at me a few more times and then went on his merry way.
But I had begun to think how things are going to be a little different for him this year than last. Apart from the fact that he does know his way around campus, and how to advocate for himself and with whom. he even had the classroom rules down really pat yesterday; he needs to make a friend. Now Aspie parents know what trauma that involves for our children. Psychologists thought for decades that aspies just didn't want friends, until they came to realize that its not that they don't want, its that they don't know how to make friends. Besides the fact that so many of our children are turned off from friends because of being bullied so continuously throughout school. If people were constantly mean to me I wouldn't want anything to do with them either. (See, first blog Bullying. It gives ideas on what has worked to help your child and sources where to go for help).
Anyway I began to think how I could help push him a little. I had also written about his life skills/college coach and how we have found this intervention to be really helpful for him. Well, she told me that he actually admitted that he did want friends. So of course, "here comes mommy." It is harder for him to make friends because he lives at home. I know that most students in college make friends ffrom the dorms, and hanging out in the gym or joining sports teams. But I thought that if we could get him to join a club, despite the morons in the history club from last year who blew him off (see earlier blog) then he would have a chance to meet some more students and maybe find someone he has something in common with.
So, I mentioned the anime club. He loves to sit and watch You Tube reruns of DragonBallZ and read his managas so I figured why sit alone. Why not sit with other students and watch the dvds or videos together. The he found out that it was on friday nights. Well, he didn't want to go. We had a talk. Sometimes I have to remind him that a 19 year old should not be content to stay home with mom and dad on a friday night. Hubby is always talking about pushing him out of his comfort zone and that is what is going to happen. So I told the collegeman that he had to try it at least once. If he didn't like it then he didn't have to go back. That seemed to be a good compromise.
Then I see he sent an email to the girl who runs the Jewish Students Union. No problem there for me, except that he wrote the email as if he was cross examining her on the witness stand. I told you he was going to be a lawyer. We just have to wait for her reply. Yep I guess he is going to get the reputation of being a lttle high strung. That's ok. Those who know him already know how smart he is, and maybe that will lend itself to new opportunities as well. There is also, the club fair on thursday. I am going to take him because the aide is done by then. I will keep my distance and allow him to wander. Or maybe he could start with the clubs he has inquired about. I will ask him if there are any clubs he wants to find out about first before we go. We do have a list.
A second idea I came up with is that he should eat in the cafeteria. he had practiced that with the coach this summer, but he seemed to go back to his old ways of eating in the cafe. but that's not bad either. I just felt that there might be more opportunity to meet people from his classes if he is in the cafeteria. But I think with so many people in school, there may be a bit of sensory overload in the cafeteria. We will have to play that one by ear, as they say.
The aide did say that she would get him to start talking to othe students before and after class. In fact, she found him talking to a girl in one of his classes already. How great is that! I think that is a good sign that he wants to talk to people. Now we just have to remind him of the give and take of conversation. I'll mention it to the coach and therapist. But I knew there was a desire, just not the know how. But he sees that the students at his college are nothing like the students at his high school. It took last year for him to realize that there are nice people to talk to and who are happy to talk back to you. Luckily he learned that lesson earlier than alot of aspies do. So its ok that it took that year.
I have to tell you that I did have a third idea, and I hope it works out. I had him register for an acting class. The description of this class talked about life skills and interacting with people. Its not a social skills class for aspies, its a class that teaches these skills to the average college student. So now he will see that eveyone has to learn and practice what society expects of them. He may not be so reluctant once he realizes its not just him, its everyone, even those without aspergers who have to lean how to behave. I figured that if he went to the acting class he could absorb some instruction and be able to apply it to his everyday world. That having these tools might give him more confidence to approach people and then interact. Once he has those skills I truely believe it will give him that much needed ability to go out among people and join the social world.
So this is my new goal for my collegeman, apart from helping him become independent in a work-a-day world, I realized he needs the skillset to make friends in order to be truely independent and successful in life. I think he is on his way for both, because each skill begins with a desire to learn how to acquire that skill. The desire he has and there are many people out there helping him become successful. So, onward and upward into our sophmore year we go....
Until next time,
Elise
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Comments (13)
I think acting lessons are an excellent idea.
@BobRichter@xanga - The acting teacher and the Dean of the Drama school had a meltdown that my aspie son actually had the nerve to sign up for their "acting" class. The Dean actually had the nerve to call the disability director and tell her to have collegeman sign up for Tai Chi because his acting classes were too unstructured for aspies. Having known one aspie I guess he knows everything about all aspies. So we had to make a decision whether he stays in the class and risk having the teacher prove his point by giving my son a poor grade(and thus ruining everything collegemand has been working towards), with us having no way to prove him wrong, or have my son add/drop before the deadline and take a course where the teacher and the Dean of the department are true professionals.
We chose to add/drop. See recent Blog, Fighting The Good Fight, about the issue and the ultimate outcome. He does not know about the calls and the idiocy of those who were suppose to teach him. SInce we had given him the choice of dropping the acting course if he did not like it, that is how we broached the subject with him. We signed him up for a Business law course, which he seemed very happy to take. The law professor also approached the situation as a true professional and we thank him for that.
I do not know if everyone would have agreed with our decison, we were very conflicted especially about the precedent, but we did make it very clear to the disability director that we would not be doing this again especially if it involved a class that collegeman really wanted to take or was part of his major/minor.
It seems that we will have to find additional social skills outlets for him. That is our mission for the year. But we are sure this too will happen as long as we stick with it. Thanks for your comment.
@aspergers2mom - That's frankly deplorable. I'm sorry it worked out that way. From my experience aspies should benefit greatly from (and fit right in with) acting classes. Acting isn't natural for anybody, and an aspie's unique perspective might actually give him an edge.
For example, novice actors almost always have the same question, and it's one aspies also struggle with: "What do I do with my hands?"
@BobRichter@xanga - I completely agree with you. In fact from my experience acting is a great class for aspies but sometimes you have to know when to retreat from the battle so you can win the war. Thanks for your support.
Old Klingon saying: Ending a battle to save an empire is no defeat. Winning the battle to save face (but ultimately losing the war) is no victory.
Hopefully there will be other opportunities... like civic theater. I found acting to be very helpful in gaining some social skills. I've discovered that alot of what we do - and not just Aspies either - is "acting" our way through social situations.
The social skills are valuable, but there's no substitute for empathy. But I find that acting class even helps me with that! I rather have to work on it by spending several minutes imagining myself in the other person's situation - just like I do in acting class - imagining how I would feel under those circumstances, and letting myself feel their pain or joy or loss or whatever. My trouble is that I can't stop once I've started, lol. It takes me a whole day to get "out of character" again and back to being the mischievous boy my family knows. But I can vouch for the high value of acting classes for Aspies!
-Robin
I am sorry your son ended up dropping the acting class... however, if his teacher was anything like the dramatic production teacher I had in college, he's better off for it. That is a story in and of itself though.
I have to say this. I learned SOOOOOO much from the five years I spent on my youth group's drama team. I had a fantastic director who became one of the few people I could actually talk to back then. Sixteen years later, we're still friends. One of his favorite sayings was, "If you can lie, you can act." I can't lie to save my life, but I can sure bend the truth to suit my purposes... and that worked well enough.
One of the troubles with learning social skills from acting though is it tends to cause a problem with over acting. Not over-reacting, but showing the emotions too intensely for face to face interaction. Stage acting requires exaggerated gestures and expressions... and for me that had a tendency to carry over into everyday interaction... and did not always go over so well. BUT, it did teach me a lot about observation.
Eating in the cafeteria may be a good idea, if your son can look at it like a mission. If he can block out the things that bother him and focus on watching people interact with each other in real life, this active observation will help a lot. It is difficult to do in highschool and jr. high because the kids being watched are too self-conscious and will notice that they're being watched... the inevitable question is then, "Do you have a staring problem?" Observation is tricky, but helpful.
I wonder if I'm an aspie. It's hard for me to make more than two real friends in high school, and I find it normal to stay home 7 days a week (however boring it gets) ..
and I stay home for college.
Describe to me what an aspie is like completely?
@BlehhItsTu@xanga - if U think that U might have aspergers syndrome, the first thing U need to do is contact a respected mental health professional. Depending on where U live there are some really good specialists in the field who will understand how aspergers presents differently in women as opposed to men. Also in the meantime go to aspergersyndrome.org. They have information, forums and even a place for you to find providers to help you in your journey.
Good luck to you and may you find your answers.
DBZ references always win me over =P
I don't necessarily have Asperger's, but I have had many challenges similar to what they've faced. I feel for your son. =/ High school was rough due to my lack of social skill pushing the others away, and then through college, it was challenging. But those skills can definitely be learned and practiced over time. Keep trying at this!
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - Thank you for the pep talk.
@aspergers2mom - Wait... sarcasm or was that really a good comment? =/
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - good comment. U said that even though U had some problems eventually U were able to parcel things out. That U were able to overcome the issues. :)
My brother just started college this year and we are concerned. Mostly, because we would like him to make some friends. Not entirely sure how to do that. I tried to convince him to sign up for an exercise class like weight lifting or skiing (both things he likes), but no luck. As far as I know, he has no friends and I don't think his Xbox Live friends count.
I'm actually surprised that a professor knows (or thinks he knows) about Asperger's. Most commonly I run into people who know absolutely nothing about it. Also, not allowing or wanting him in class is blatant descrimination and is no different than a teacher not wanting a black student in their class. I would have reamed him a new one.