Tuesday, 25 August 2009
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Snappy Comebacks to "Why Can't You Control Your [Screaming] Child?"
It really doesn’t help when strangers deliver stinging comments like “Can’t you control your child?” or “Can’t you hear your child screaming?” while you are otherwise engaged in simultaneously:1) figuring out what’s causing him to scream/misbehave
2) avoiding injury to yourself, the environment and your offspring, and
3) trying to calm down the noisy little one. One way I’ve found to nip the comments of others in the bud is to develop a short-list of ready-made responses.
Snappy Comebacks to “Can’t you hear (control) your screaming child?”
1. “My child is on the autism spectrum. It is a complicated disease, and my son cannot help the way he is acting.” Mature and sensible, this approach works when you have a few minutes to spare for follow-up dialogue, which means you will rarely ever use it. Please see below for alternatives.
2. “I’m deaf.” My friend Ashley uses this one all the time to cut off these rude strangers at the pass. I never had the courage to use it.
3.“There are forces in play here that you cannot possibly understand.” I have been dying to try this one accompanied by a sinister waggling of my eyebrows, but haven’t been daring enough to do so.
4. “Sorry, I can’t talk now; my child is having a meltdown.” Brief and to the point, yet polite. It is a favorite among all of the moms we’ve talked to.
5-6. “He’s really hungry.” Wimpy, but it works. The only problem is that you have to somehow scoop the child up and take him somewhere where there is presumably food. In essence, you are cutting short your activity and making up excuses to accommodate the judgment of others. Alternatives such as, “she’s really tired” also work well, but are equally cowardly. I used these frequently before receiving Connor’s diagnosis. I have become much more assertive since then.
7. Yes, but I choose not to. I’m letting him work it out on his own. Thank you for thinking of us, and I apologize for disturbing you.” A polite way of saying mind-your-own-business, but also verifying that you have a reason for what you’re doing. It also protects the child by not using autism as an excuse, if you have not yet told your child about his autism diagnosis.
8. If I have the time, I try patiently to explain, but the problem with this approach is that I won’t be heard over the din of screaming and flying objects, even if I am prepared to be pithy. The Autism Speaks Organization has a button that you can order online to say, “I’m Not Misbehaving. I have Autism,” but I have a hard time asking my son to wear one all the time, especially since his meltdowns are now few and far between, and I know that he values his privacy.
9. Ignore them.This takes more self-discipline than I have.
10. And finally, I try to remember that many people still just don’t understand autism. I try not to be too hard on them.
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About the Author
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- From: autismisnottheboss
- About Me: Hi, I’m Mae, a reluctant housewife, moderate mom, volunteer parent mentor and quiet advocate for people with disabilities. I have a son with a PDD-NOS diagnosis who is fully mainstreamed at his school and within our community. Learn more about me at http://www.autismisnottheboss.com
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Comments (78)
I just think that adults tend to act more like kids sometimes. At least that's been my experience with my son.
Patience is key...no matter what.
How 'bout some not-so-nice comments that you'd REALLY like to say (not that they would help or be beneficial to anyone) like "S/he doesn't like you, would you go away?" Or "S/he's more well behaved than I'm sure YOU were at this age." Or silliness like "We're practicing the difference between singing and screaming, my little future opera star and I." Or very unBiblically, return rude for rude with "I'm sorry, I forgot to take that sign off my back that says "Please help me parent my child"." or less creatively, "I'll join him in screaming if one more person asks me that question again!"
I don't think I ever really would use a line like those, but it would make me feel better to think it in my head. I hope those outsider comments, just go away. They won't, but we can hope, right?
I actually had some guy in a grocery store walk up to me and say, "In my day, parents put kids like yours in institutions...where they belong." My response? "Then why aren't you in one right now?"
I can shrug off stares and glares. I welcome questions when they are in the form of curiosity. I can even deal with whispers, most of the time. There just comes a point where I feel a need to point out that my son's behavior isn't any worse than that of the willfully ignorant and hostile.
I have tried to politically correct with my confrontations.... but, your responses are very tempting..... @I_choke_you@xanga -
Value of Privacy is Abnormally Precision. (PRECISE)[-ly]
I usually just use #1. Believe or not, that usually shuts them up... I've been asked one or two questions every once in awhile, but usually the meltdowns happen while we're grocery shopping, so other people understand that I need to move along. And we're in the military, so I'm often grocery shopping alone with two toddlers.... not much choice there.
How about you just keep your screaming kid out of public? Or, when he IS out in public and starts wailing, how about you take him outside of the restraunt, movie theatre, or store until he stops bursting my ear drums? SInce you (via your kid) are the one screwing up everyone else's calm, you shouldn't be the one coming up with "snappy comebacks", you should be the one apologizing.
Yeah..patience. Hang in there. :)
I can't stand when women let their children scream in stores, I've worked in retail, and I've shopped and I cannot stand it. If I had a kid that was going crazy like some of the kids I've seen, I would yank them outside and make sure they KNOW not to act like that in public...I never did that crap as a child, and I don't expect my child, if I ever have one, to either.
...the "i'm deaf' thing is epic.
When my mother and I go out with Austin and Hayden, well, everyone can tell it's autism. I don't know, there's just a vibe.
Or maybe its the autism sticker on austin's stroller.
Or you could say,"I'm sorry that my child's disablity has momentarily caused you grief."
@out_of_fear@xanga - If you've ever been around a child with autism, this isn't an option. You have to take them out in public or they'll be worse socially when they grow up. My cousin has autism and she spent the whole day screaming/crying. If they had kept her out of public she wouldn't be able to function in public as an adult. @ThA_sLo_1@xanga - Children with autism don't understand cause and affect punishment, so spanking and yelling has no effect--sometimes it makes it worse. You can't "let them know" that they've been bad. They won't get it. All you can do is ignore the bad behavior and praise them when they do something good. They way they think is completely different.
#3 & #4. haha
@out_of_fear@xanga - Did you not catch the part that her child has autism? You should probably pay attention to what you're reading before commenting on it.
Good post, it amazes me the disrespect some people can have. As if they think they have the right to comment on your parenting.
@writemetosleeep@xanga - Indeed! The disrespect of pretentious 16 year old girls is astounding!
No, of course I didn't realize a kid who's mom posts on AUTISABLE about a screaming AUTISTIC child would have AUTISM. The mere possibility escapes me.
Maybe I should have added "I don't care what your kid has...Just because he's got autism doesn't give you the right to interrupt my night out with his wailing." into my comment.
@out_of_fear@xanga - Ha, you prove my point precisely. So since her child has a disability that they had no control over, she should just keep that child in her home all the time? She didn't say they were in a quite movie theater or at a nice restraunt eating. This was about strangers rudely commenting on a situation they're either uneducated about or simply just don't understand. I'm sure this mom was doing what she could to accomodate the situation. It's nobody else's place to comment on her parenting.
And your degrading remarks to me only make you look as immature and "pretentious" as you deem me to be. Oh, and you're not so good at guessing ages, so if your lack of respect and maturity lands you a job at the county fair, make sure to stay away from the age guessing game. ;)
No, since she has a child wth a disability, she should probavly realize that her kid might not be able to go places like quiet restraunts, movie theatres, or other places people enjoy the peace. Did I say she can't take her kid grocery shopping? No. (Though I don't want to hear your kid's grating screams there, either)
And the fact that I'm a 21 year old US Marine, and you can't properly punctuate the variations of the word 'your' leads me to believe I'm on the winning side of the "degrading remarks" debate.
I think the important part of this message is the top- She made it clear that she as the childs parent is already working on taking control of the situation and it is highly uncalled for, for rude strangers to chime in with their two cents that she didn't ask for.
And not that I have to explain myself to a person like you, but, if you noticed, I caught my error and corrected it before your comment was even left. Although, I wasn't aware a grammatical error on my part (or perhaps your incorrect spelling of "probably") was degrading or immature. Oh, and I'm sure the Marines are so fortunate to be able to call you, such a respectful and understanding citizen, one of their own.
Have a good night.
@out_of_fear@xanga - I agree. If a kid is upsetting everyone around, why should so many others have to put up with it. Autism or not, that's thoughtless and rude. I've read some people, use autism as an excuse for looking after their kids poorly. Would you take this kid to church when you know he's going to act up? I doubt it. If I decide to go out and blow 200 bucks on a nice dinner with my girlfriend the last thing I want to hear is some screaming brat. A little decency and common sense goes a long way. I doubt I'll be back to this site.
@dikdoktor@xanga - Agreed. As long as the mother or father tries to take the child somewhere else till they can calm them down more, it's not so bad. I just hate when it becomes an excuse to let the child do whatever they want, screaming or running around. The screaming and disruption can be dealt with just like any other child, it's just going to take more patience to take him or her elsewhere to deal with it though.
I'm not saying, "don't take your kids out in public" but saying that if you do and they start disrupting the peace in a place, have the decency to remove them to somewhere else and then try to calm them down.
@CMWINK@xanga - Exactly. I like kids, and understand they all can be a handful at times. Everything you said is perfectly logical and it's only common courtesy to remove a child from a place that is disrupting others. When I was a kid if I made one peep at the wrong time or in the wrong place, I'd get a good smack in the lips. No screwing around. I sat in church with my hands in my lap, no fidgeting or squirming about and not whispering. In a restaurant - anywhere, the same thing. My old man would say, "Sit up straight mister" and that's all.
The other day I walked to our bus stop where a woman was smoking and her 2 kids were jumping all over the bus seat with muddy boots. I'm disabled, use 2 canes and had to stand up for 15 minutes til the bus came because she wouldn't tell the kids to get off so I could sit down. I was in a lot of pain, nobody gave a shit. But, that's just the way a lot of ignorant people are these days.
children have meltdowns... Any child has the right to be in public, just
as you have the right to remove yourself from any situation that seems to be
irritating to you. This confirms to me that our children are discriminated
against because they 'look' normal; our children have neurological disabilities
that prevent them from understanding many societal constructs. In order to
teach these life skills it is imperative that we take them out in public. I have
a difficult time accepting that a mother would use autism as a scape goat for
lazy parenting.... walk a day in our shoes; autism is a medical condition that
requires constant vigilance!
How annoying.
Really, why do people expect everyone to be concerned about their comfort. Obviously its not so god damn easy to be the one dealing with the screaming child. And the last thing on a parents mind when their child is having a serious meltdown is how "uncomfortable" the people around them are..
I would just ignore them.
@mycontinuity@xanga - I'm curious. If children with autism don't understand cause and effect punishment, why would they understand cause and effect praise?
@The_Melancholy@xanga - Because they just know they're being punished but don't know why. They don't know which action (out all the actions they did) caused it. All they think about is the punishment. It's like if you were walking down the street and some random person starting beating you up and then walked away. You're going to think about the beating first, and not what you did to cause it--which could have been anything because you don't know that person (yeah, it's a bad example, but I'm tired)
With praise, it's instant and you know which action got the praise. They want to do it again for the praise. It's easier to process. Children under the age of two can understand praise, but not cause and effect until they're older. With autistic kids, it varies.
i find it seriously annoying when im with my friends, family, or my boyfriend, having a good time, and a parent doesnt take control of her childs antics. in the summer, i work constantly. during the school year, i still work constantly and i make it to school everyday- sick or not. so when i do have the chance to go out with my boyfriend or anyone for that matter, i dont wanna be disrupted. and the fact that half of parents dont do anything to control their kids AT ALL bothers me so much. my parents never let me and my sister get away with acting like animals in public, or at home for that matter. but it is so sad that a lot of parents today dont make it a point to control their kids' bad behavior.