Monday, 11 May 2009
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Normal: Whatever That Means
"Imagine," she said, taking a seat next to me on the rickety playground bench. "You've decided to take a trip to New York City. You've packed your high heels and your best clothes and you're planning to hit the town and see all the shows. But you get off the plane and you're in Switzerland. It's a little colder, a little slower, but still nice. Just different. It's the same with these kids.""I just wanted him to be normal," I replied, looking up to watch him and the other Fifth Graders running wildly over the wooden structures, her class in the mix.
"Whatever that means," she said.
I thought I'd reached the point where I wanted to know, even if I didn't like the answer. I'd put it off for years, even though some part of me knew he was different from the start.
He spoke young, Daddy and Mama followed by thermostat and full sentences before he was one. At two he was flapping, little arms going like butterfly wings, close to his sides, lips buzzing. I thought he was pretending to fly. Until I noticed it more and more, when he was bored, when he was tired, when he was mad, when he was joyous.
"Are you an airplane or a helicopter," I asked him.
"Neither Mama."
At age four, his eyes huge and blue, never really looked at me. He gazed somewhere behind my head or turned his face entirely away.
"Don't you like Mama's face?" I teased him. "Am I that ugly?"
"You're beautiful Mama. I'd never think that," he replied, still not seeing me.
And then he went to school. Kindergarten, right across the street with a 1st year teacher. He brought home yellows and reds everyday and she made sure to meet me in the parent pickup line to list his transgressions.
"He's the sweetest thing but he goes on and on about Toy Story when I'm trying to teach. It's distracting the class."
Toy Story, which played constantly on one of the TVs at the house and had for almost two years. We had Toy Story bedding, dishes, toothpaste, clothes and toys. Just like the Thomas the Tank Engine phase we'd gone through two years before. I felt like I knew George Carlin and Buzz Lightyear personally.
"He's making these noises, humming and he's having meltdowns over the smallest things. But he's so smart."
"I'll talk to him," I'd assure her going home to cry. Beating myself up for not enrolling him in preschool. Not sure what the answer was myself.
Until 2nd grade, when a teacher's assistant pointed me to a website, that described my boy to a tee.
"He reminds me of my sister's boy," she said, handing me the slip of paper with a link.
But I still hesitated to make it official, to put what I saw as a stigma around his neck. Instead, I worked hard to give him coping techniques that didn't involve hour long sobs, to find out what set him off and teach him to cope.
In 4th grade, we'd meet an angel in pretty heels, his teacher, who two months in had him looking me in the eyes. Somehow she knew, but didn't say, rules and regulations keeping her from expressing her opinion.
"I taught him," she explained when I came to her with thankful tears. "I draw his eyes in with my finger and now he remembers."
He still had to think about it, eyes occasionally darting off, but it was a start. His meltdowns stopped other than a growl of aggravation every now and then, over intense stress. And I relaxed for awhile, until this year, 5th Grade, Junior high rapidly approaching.
I made an appointment.
4 hours later, leaving the office, Asperger's Syndrome, written down in the doctor's chicken scratch, my heart tearing apart.
"It's like teaching any other child math or reading," she told me as a tear rolled down my cheek. "With a little help, he'll be fine."
He may never be "normal", who really is anyway? But watching my precious boy, sweaty face beaming at me across the sandy playground, I knew I'd pick Switzerland over New York, any day...
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- From: neuroticfitchmom@xanga
- Name: Tiffany
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Comments (53)
I understand the fear of making it official. Do you regret not making it official earlier?
What would your advice be for the mother of a very special first grader?
I`ve seen some "normal" people with aspergers. dont worry about him, he`ll be fine.
Labeling is such a hard decision. It gets the child what they need much easier but at what cost?
Beautifully written.
One of my best friends has Asperger's. He's one of the best people in the world, and one of the most original. The way he thinks astounds me. I could listen to him talk for hours. I love him very much, and the world will love your son, too.
*wiping tears* that was amazing and simply beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with me.
People with Asperger's Syndrome can have normal lives; they'll just be socially awkward at times. No biggie.
Wow that was a very touching story, thanks for sharing this. Maybe it can help other parents as well...
I really enjoyed the way you told this story. People with Asperger's usually do wonderfully! My brother was never dianosed until he was 22 but it really wasn't a surprise. Besides a few social quirks he is a unique individual and by far one of the smartest and most interesting people I know.
Thanks for your sharing story. I worry about how my son will fit in, too. He'll be in high school next year and I am so nervous for him, but my son... he's excited. Your doc is right, btw, with a little help he'll be fine.
Maybe never "normal" but what is "normal" anymore anyway?
I'm not sure what to write, other than this is a very beautiful, touching post.
@Kristenmomof3@xanga - You know, I was deeply in denial about him, pretty much right up until diagnosis. I think it all worked out in the end. I cannot say more for behavioral therapy. Nicholas will always be unique but it is amazing how far he has come since then. The follow up story will be posted on Wed so y'all can see the growth :))) My advice is to love your munchkin and accept that normal is all relative and not worry about what others think and find those kids who are kind hearted and accepting and introduce them. They are out there. :)))
Y'all gave me warm fuzzies. :)))) What a lovely gift the comments are.
my boyfriend has aspergers, a very acute case, he was like that as a kid - you wouldnt be able to tell though, i didnt know for a long time.
I have a Grandson with Aspergers, and terex syndrome, and another with Autism 1 from each of my daughters...My ex girlfriend whom I met in prenatle classes daughter also has an Autistic child...We always found this to be a strange thing like maybe something in our apartment...or because ther were born a month apart that maybe it was the shots. What ever the cause...I just wish that they would be able to find a cure someday...I wish you luck.
normal is more scary than abnormal
...little guy's lucky that you're his Mom ; )
LOVE is blind
Friendship tries not to notice
Comment ...
A friend of mine's nephew has the same syndrome. But he's doing handsomely, that one. Your boy is enjoying life and there is nothing NOT normal about that. =D
I was ambivalent about my daughter's diagnosis. On the one hand, I was relieved that there was an explanation for all of these problems we were having with her. On the other hand, I felt that labeling her with a disorder took something away from her. It was a confusing time for me as a mother.
Thanks for writing and sharing this with the rest of us. :)
I have family with Asberger Syndrome, so I do understand. Thank you for sharing.
By the way, have you ever read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time? The main character is a boy with asperger syndrome. It's a good book.
What a great story. It was great to see your point of view and emotions. I wish the best of luck to both of you.
My niece has aspergers. No one would know the difference except that when she doesn't know how to express herself she gets very angry. And she lays on her back and flips a pencil back and forth. (Not so much now, though)
But, it's not anything completely unbearable.
There's really no such thing as normal. People with more dehabilitating illnesses have been successful and so will your son.
aw..........